This tape starts with the end of Ninotchka.
This is immediately followed by The African Queen. It’s a classic, and yet I don’t think I’ve ever watched it. It doesn’t open promisingly, as it has Robert Morley conducting a congregation of Africans in singing Bread of Heaven. They sound awful, which is odd, because I’ve heard African singing, and they’re pretty good at it. I guess Morley is a terrible choirmaster.
Humphrey Bogart is the captain of the African Queen, a steamboat that carries mail and supplies up the river. He’s uncouth.
Katharine Hepburn is Morley’s sister. She’s refined.
It’s the beginning of the first World War, and all of a sudden, there’s German troops in the village. Fair play to Robert Morley for standing up to them immediately. It’s not quite punching Nazis, but the spirit is there.
But he’s hit badly by the Germans, who set fire to the village and see off all the locals. Morley becomes delirious and dies. Later that day, Bogart returns, checking on them, because the mine he was travelling to has been wrecked by the Germans.
They’re trapped on the river because the lake that feeds it is patrolled by a large German ship, so friendly forces can’t cross the lake to bring reinforcements. But Hepburn asks Bogart about the explosives he’s carrying, and in the space of five minutes has hatched a plan to build two static torpedoes from the explosive and gas cannisters on the boat, fix them to the prow of the African Queen. point the Queen at the German ship, and sink it. It’s rather like she’s a proto Tony Stark.
When the Queen rides the rapids, Bogart expects Hepburn to be scared, but she’s exhilarated. I’m really enjoying both of these characters. He’s gruff, but caring and thoughtful. She’s prim, but keen to learn about everything.
But after the rapids, Bogart is having second thoughts. He gets drunk, and Hepburn gets cross. Then she dumps all his gin and whiskey overboard. But it’s not the drunkenness she’s most disappointed with, it’s that he promised to take them down the river. She’s really not going to put up with any of his shit.
They have to sail past a German outpost, who start shooting at them. It’s all very exciting as Bogart has to make emergency repairs to the engine while under fire. Thank goodness for gaffer tape.
Then they have to navigate even more rapids. And when they make it safely to the end, they’re both so exhilarated that this happens.
Instantly regretted, of course, because people just don’t do that sort of thing. I’m usually a bit sniffy about men and women thrown together, and falling in love under fire, as it seems such a cliche, but I’m suddenly rooting for the two of them to make it work. Which immediately means one of them is probably going to die at the end and I’m going to be horribly disappointed.
Still, they’re having to work together, and I can see distinct echoes of this dynamic in Leia and Han and The Empire Strikes Back.
Oh My God this film is magnificent. They’re getting comfortable together, and then they hit some really bad rapids, and the driveshaft and propeller are twisted and damaged. He thinks it can’t be fixed without taking the boat into drydock, but she perseveres with ideas, and together they’re able to remove, repair and replace the propellers. Why did nobody tell me how great this film is? Oh wait, everybody did.
They drop anchor in some slower water, but are set upon by a huge swarm of mosquitoes.
Bogart gets leeches all over him.
It’s looking bleak when they get stuck in the reeds and mud. Hepburn even prays that they’ll be let into heaven when the shortly die.
But wait. I bless the rains down in Africa, and they bless Hepburn and Bogart. The water rises, picking the boat up out of the mud, and taking them down to the lake.
“You carry on more over a cup of tea than I do over a glass of gin.” These really are my people.
They really are building torpedoes. This is an insane plan. I love it.
Oh no, they’re arguing. About which one of them gets to pilot the ship to crash into the German gunboat. I hate it when Mummy and Daddy argue.
But they press on, in the night, and a storm rises, capsizing the boat. They’re split up and Bogart loses sight of Hepburn, loses her in the storm. Is she dead?
Next morning, we find Bogart in front of a German court, on their gunship, accused of being a spy. He doesn’t care about their questions because he’s lost Hepburn. They sentence him to be hanged immediately. “Who cares.”
Then a boat arrives, and they’ve got Hepburn aboard. All of a sudden he’s animated again, but it’s still looking grim for them. Hepburn explains to the Germans their plan to destroy the ship with their handmade torpedoes. The Germans don’t really believe them, but they sentence them both to be hanged anyway, as spies. Strangely, now they are together, neither is unhappy. And before they hang, Bogart asks, as a last request, that the captain of the ship marries them.
Then, just as they are about to be hanged, there’s two enormous explosions, and the ship starts sinking. The African Queen had been floating on the lake, unseen by the Germans, until they collided with it. In the chaos, Hepburn and Bogart are free.
You know, earlier today I was having a conversation with some of my children, about movies we love, and how wonderful it is to come across a movie that you really don’t expect much of, for whatever reason, but which is infinitely better than you expected it to be. And here I am, late at night, watching a film made almost 70 years ago, a film I fully expected to be a bit creaky and old fashioned, and I’m crying my eyes out. It’s a film that totally deserves its reputation, and has completely won me over. It’s wonderful.
BBC Genome: BBC Two – 7th May 1990 – 16:35
After this, the recording continues, with some DEF II programmes, starting with That Was Then This Is Now featuring Martin Fry off of ABC. I’ve almost met Martin Fry, because they filmed a video for one of their later songs, Ocean Blue, at Gaddesden Place, and they were filming there while we were having our Christmas party, so we spent a little time watching the filming.
There’s a clip from the video here, but for some reason they’ve squashed up the picture. They’ve done this with all of them, it appears to be a deliberate choice but I can’t understand why. Quantel had a lot to answer for in the late 80s early 90s. It’s as if they intended to put loads of pop facts in the blank space but ran out of time, or forgot or something.
This is followed by Yo! Get Shreddin, about skateboarding. Very much in the style of Get Stuffed I think.
This guy, a writer for the top US skateboarding magazine, seems very proud of his special camera, with the ‘Shut Up, Bitch’ sticker on it. He probably has an edgy podcast now.
BBC Genome: BBC Two – 7th May 1990 – 18:15
After this, there’s the start of Italian Regional Cookery. The tape ends during this programme.
VHiStory 