Heavy Metal – tape 2805

I know I keep banging on about the coincidences that happen while doing this blog, but they keep happening, so I’ll keep mentioning them.

This time there are two, and they’re unrelated to each other. First, I was listening to the Empire podcast at the weekend, and it was the Comicon special, where they had an interview with Ivan Reitman, who is the producer of the film on this tape, Heavy Metal. On its own, that wouldn’t be much of a coincidence, but in the interview, they specifically talked about this film, one of the most obscure entries on Reitman’s CV. So that was weird.

But then, my wife and I were rooting through a lot of boxes, looking for some important documents we knew we had, but couldn’t find. We had to move a couple of magazine boxes from the garage to get access to some more document boxes, so I idly flipped through the contents of the magazine boxes, one of which had a lot of old comics, and I noticed there was a pile of Heavy Metal issues.

So when this film came up in my rewatch queue, it almost doesn’t feel like a coincidence. The queue, by the way, is determined by the order in which I digitised the original tapes. This one was done in June 2015, two years ago, so it’s not like I’m unconsciously selecting significant tapes. The order was determined two years ago.

I did used to read the magazine Heavy Metal in my youth. It’s the kind of magazine you enjoy when you’re a young man, filled as it is with beautiful art, weird science fiction stories, but mostly, boobies.

It had, I would say, a disproportionate number of stories which involved naked women. And, to be fair, the occasional naked man, but that was rarer.

I can’t remember if I’ve watched the movie before now, so let’s see what it’s got to offer.

The first thing I’d say is the sound on this is quite bad – a problem either with my original recording, or the VCR when playing back. There’s a nasty buzz on the soundtrack, and it keeps dropping out of Hi-Fi sound into mono, a sure sign of poor tracking.

There are a few names in the voice cast. I saw John Candy, Eugene Levy and Harold Ramis.

The opening starts off portentous, then segues into an MTV ident, as a space shuttle deposits a car in space, and a banging rock tune starts. To be honest, this looks disappointingly cheap, as the car isn’t drawn or painted, it looks like it’s been taken from film and copied onto a cel.

It’s certainly taking its title seriously, as the roster of ‘Songs By’ shows.

It opens with the astronaut in the car returning home, where he has a gift for his daughter. Sadly, it’s glowing green ball that is the manifestation of all evil in the universe, and it kills him. She probably would have been happy with an ice lolly. That’s what my dad used to get us when coming home from work.

Then, despite being the manifestation of all evil in the universe, the glowing sphere doesn’t then kill the girl, he starts to tell her a story. It’s the story of some aliens digging him up and getting killed.

It’s nice to see the Data 70 font has had a resurgence in popularity in this unspecified future.

There’s some bad guys at the museum, and a young girl is escaping from them, thanks to a cabbie who’s just arrived. She’s very upset, but then falls asleep (or unconscious) in the cab as he’s telling her about a police station. And as the police want cash up front, they’re not much help.

So he takes her back to his apartment. She tells him how her father found the Loc-Nar, and people have been dying ever since, plus the bad guys want it and she’s the only one who knows where it is.

Pretty soon, she’s stripping off and getting into bed with him – I told you it was all about the boobies. Clearly, a middle-aged, racist New York cab driver is catnip with the ladies.

She’s gone by the morning, but suddenly everybody is after him, looking for the girl.

This movie did the Jaws Sequel joke before Back to the Future.

She gets in contact with the cabbie again, and asks for his help selling it to one of the bad guys. The bad guy gives her the case with teh money, and takes the Loc-Nar. Then it kills him too. I’m beginning to wonder why so many people want to get it when all it’s done so far is kill people.

Talking of killing people, now they’ve got the money, the girl pulls a gun and tells him to pull over, that she’s taking it all for herself, so he activates the death-ray that all cabbies have to have fitted by law, and is left with the money.

(Note that the death ray removes her clothes first. It didn’t do that with the punk who held up the cab at the start of this story.)

And that’s the end of that story.

Next, the Loc-Nar is found by a young boy who thinks it’s a good idea to route wires from an aerial on his roof into a bucket of water in his bedroom during a thunderstorm.

As a result, when the lightning hits, he’s somehow propelled through space, naked.

He’s also transformed into a bald bodybuilder. This is Richard Corben’s Den, notable in the comic for featuring a naked man as well as naked women. But the film clearly doesn’t think we can take such things, as the first thing Den does when he arrives on a strange planet, is to make a loincloth from a handy scrap of material, because “There was no way I was going to walk around this place with my dork hanging out.” Thus missing Den’s unique selling point, I feel.

But don’t despair, there’s still plenty of boobies, as he sees a naked woman, tied to an altar, and another woman, not naked but with her robe open at the front to make sure you can see everything, leading the chants as they throw the girl into a pool.

Den dives in to rescue her, swimming through an underground tunnel away from the sacrifice.

Naturally, the woman is grateful. She’s Katherine Wells, and also from Earth, from Gibraltar. So naturally they have sex. “This was great. There’s no way I’d get a chick like this back on Earth.”

But their rumpy pumpy is interrupted by some alien types who take them to a castle where he meets Ard, supreme leader of the revolution and the next ruler of the world. In Den’s words he’s “a shrimp” but I think the not so subtle subtext here is that he’s gay. And the first thing he does is order Den to be castrated. Good grief, this is all deeply Freudian.

Ard has had Katherine encased in glass, and will only release her if Den steals the sacred Loc-Nar from the Queen. He’s almost literally fridged her.

He breaks into the Queen’s bedchamber, and naturally, more boobies. The Queen might let him go if he satisfies her appetites. “Wow, eighteen years of nothing and now twice in one day” says the voice-over – John Candy’s voice. Was Corben 14 when he wrote this stuff?

“Your strength has brought great peace to my restless body” she tells him after a fairly full on sex scene. “It could bring great peace to all the troubled people of this land.” Does that mean he has to have sex with everyone?

Also, I should mention that not only are boobies plentiful here, but they’re enormous. The queen has breasts the size of footballs. She makes a Japanese Volleyball video game look restrained.

Oh God, now the gay Ard is going to sacrifice Katherine again. She’s still topless.

Den escapes the Queen on a horse, and is pursued by people on huge flying insects.

The Queen and Ard argue over who’s going to have the Loc-Nar, and Den saves the day by electrocuting a big water monster using a chain, a spear and some lightning.

The next story concerns Captain Lincoln Stern, on trial for a lot of crimes (including multiple murders and rapes).

He thinks he’s going to get off, because the witness has been paid off, but the witness has picked up the Loc-Nar, and turns into a huge musclebound monster, and chases Stern out of the courthouse and through the huge space station they’re on.

But when he catches up with Stern, Stern gives him the money he’s owed, and he turns back into a normal human.

Then Stern drops him out of an airlock.

Boobie count zero, but the behemoth was topless.

The next story concerns the air crew of a World War II bomber. Most of them are shot dead by anti-aircraft fire, then the Loc-Nar hits the plane, and the crew are turned into marauding skeletons.

The pilot bails out and lands on an island. Which is full of crashed planes and more skeleton crew.

And that’s the end of that story. The entirety of that story. I hope these all worked better in the comic.

The next story is set at the Pentagon, as space expert Dr Anrak tells a concerned group of generals and politicians that the recent spate of mutations can’t be alien in origin, because human beings are the only intelligent life in the universe.

Meanwhile, above the pentagon, an emoji shaped spaceship has arrived.

Dr Anrak starts to behave strangely. Perhaps he’s being distracted by the green glowing brooch worn by the secretary.

So distracted that he actually grabs her and starts molesting her on the table.

At which point a giant tube emerges from the USS Emoji, drills down to the room they’re in, and sucks up the doctor and the secretary.

But the Doctor is actually a robot. And the woman is taken somewhere by a robot.

Piloting the ship are two strange aliens. At one point they cover the floor with white powder and start snorting it.

There’s a montage of derelict spacecraft, including a sneaky cameo from the Enterprise.

Oh for fuck’s sake. We now return to the woman, who’s now (you guessed it) naked, and having a post coital cigarette lying next to the robot.

She agrees to marry him on condition they have a Jewish wedding. Then the stoned pilots land the ship somewhere. And that’s the end of that ‘story’.

The final story (we’re promised) see the Loc-Nar land in a volcano, which then erupts over a large band of the local population, and rather than dying, they turn into a violent mob.

The remaining population are all thinkers and philosophers, not equipped to fight an ugly mob, so they have to summon Taarna, the last of the warrior race, and the only person who can help them.

But then there appears to be a long passage of time – and we’re watching someone flying over the planet on some kind of giant bird. I mean, I guess the scenery is nice, but this is going on for a very long time.

Our mysterious flyer is a woman, But at least she’s fully dressed.

No wait, the cloak is off immediately.

At least she puts on a few clothes before leaving. Very few.

She flies into the city, now a smoking ruin, to find the bodies of the men who summoned her, all dead.

She tracks some of the marauders to a bar and kills them. But when she gets closer to their city, she’s captured herself. In no time, she’s held captive, and naked again. And whipped.

But she’s rescued by her bird. Hooray.

Which is then shot as she escapes. Boo.

She then fights a man with a circular saw for a hand.

She finishes him off, then, with the help of her bird who’s not actually completely dead. she flies to the volcano and summons lightning to destroy the Loc-Nar.

Curiously, this seems to cause the Loc-Nar from the opening to be destroyed, leaving the young girl free, and she finds her own flying bird. Because she’s the reincarnation of Taarna, keeping the world safe from the Loc-Nar for another generation. And thank crikey she doesn’t get her kit off.

One of the Blue Oyster Cult songs on the soundtrack has a writing credit for ‘Michael Moorecock’. I’ve checked, and it is actually a misprint for the actual Michael Moorcock, veteran Science Fiction writer. And this is the most interesting thing about this movie so far.

Actually, the credits are the most interesting thing. The art Director for the Den sequence was Pat Gavin, who also created the title sequence for The South Bank Show.

Another familiar name – one of the animators is Hester Coblentz, who was Production Manager on Roobarb and Noah And Nelly for Bob Godfrey.

The Emoji spaceship sequence was based on the work of Angus McKie, but the co-designer was Neal Adams, a legendary comics artist in the 70s.

Among the designers for the Taarna sequence were Mike Ploog, Howard Chaykin and Doctor Who paperback artist Chris Achilleos. They fail to credit Jean Giraud (Moebius) whose influence is quite strong in places.

I know I said recently that Sleepwalkers was the worst film I’ve seen in a long time. Well this one is close. I wonder if I’d have liked it when I was younger? Possibly, I’m pretty sure I was a bit of an arse.

Next, something preceded by an odd dedication.

Something starts, and I’ve no idea what the heck it is. I only know that it’s got something to do with Doug Bradley (Pinhead) who’s a rogue scientist, or something.

Then London gets hit with some very cheap special effects, courtesy of “The Anti-God Baal”.

It’s something called Archangel Thunderbird, and just when I thought the madness was over, and the credits were rolling, there’s this:

Professor Doug Bradley has The Necronomicon.

Now they’ve used the Necronomicon to summon up a giant to defend the Earth against stop motion dinosaurs.

The whole thing is ten minutes long, and looks like a pitch for a series that never happened. It ends with the most pointless content warning ever.

The live action was directed by Kevin Davies, who I’ve met a few times – coincidentally the last time was also when I met Neil Gaiman – Neil was giving the annual Douglas Adams Memorial Lecture, and Kevin was helping us run a live stream of the event.

I’ll say one thing. That was a whole lot more fun than Heavy Metal.

Here’s the whole thing. Apologies for the buzzy soundtrack.

After this, recording continues with a couple of episodes of The Hunger, introduced by Terence Stamp.

It’s a Showtime show, so there’s even boobies in these. The first one features Michael Gross, who we saw quite recently in Tremors. Everything is connected.

Then, something a little more interesting – an episode of The World of Hammer. Just a clips show, really, but at least they delve a little deeper into the Hammer back catalogue, looking at thrillers like Hell is a City.

There’s some grim thrillers in this lot. Here’s Peter Vaughan menacing Susan George.

After this, the tape finally ends during an episode of Friday 13th The Series.

Adverts:

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The Book Quiz – Horizon – tape 2798

This tape opens with an overrunning snooker match between Stephen Hendry and Jimmy White, as part of the World Championships.

There’s a trailer for Aviators, a documentary about the pioneers of flight.

Then, The Book Quiz, a special programme for World Book Day, presented by Griff Rhys Jones.

The teams are Stephen Fry,

Morwenna Banks

And Morwenna Banks’ husband

The other team are Phill Jupitus

Meera Syal

And Miles Kington.

I was slightly sad to see that it wasn’t Sanjeev Bhaskar alongside Meera Syal, and two teams with husband and wife would have been fun.

It’s a fun quiz, but because the snooker overran, it’s cut off just before the end, which is quite sad.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 23rd April 1998 – 20:00

Recording switches to the end of Doctors at Large dealing with student doctors at the end of their five year course, who’s passed, who’s failed.

There’s a trailer for Timewatch.

Then, still running late, Horizon and Mir Mortals. It starts in dramatic fashion, telling us the astronauts will face death, and three of them will never return to space.

This is incredibly doom laden. They even talk to an astrologer.

During a party on the station, a malfunction in an oxygen canister, generating a hot flame. The station started filling with smoke.

After this was got under control, there’s more disasters. A resupply ship, which usually docks automatically, was supposed to be docked manually, a cost cutting measure by the Russians. But the video signal from the incoming ship, the only guide for the pilot guiding it in, failed. So the pilot had to do it blind. The ship almost collided with the station.

Astonishingly, the Russians wanted then to try the procedure again, at a later date. This time, they decided to turn off the radar, thinking that this was why the camera failed. As a result the pilot had no information about speed or distance.

As a result, the supply ship actually collided with the station, causing an atmosphere leak.

Later on, Boris Yeltsin and the Russian command staff put the blame squarely on the pilot, for performing a process that they insisted upon.

The programme is available to watch on iPlayer. It’s quite gripping.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 23rd April 1998 – 21:30

Following this, there’s a trailer for another Horizon – The Computer that Ate Hollywood (which I hope I have somewhere). This is a terrible trailer for what was, as I recall, a good programme.

Then there’s a shot programme, The Written World, another World Book Day programme.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 23rd April 1998 – 22:20

Then, Murray Lachlan Young talks about the best book in the world, Struwwelpeter. Mr Lachlan Young really wanted to be Neil Gaiman, didn’t he?

Then, Newsnight starts, leading with the problems disarming the paramilitaries in Northern Ireland.

And this Arab Israeli tells of how he’s not as equal as the Israeli authorities would like to pretend. “He said ‘You are like mosquitos'”

Well they are next to each other in the dictionary. (That’s an obligatory Secret Policeman’s Ball reference.)

Then, rather coincidentally, given that it’s barely days since I looked at The Day Today from 1994, here in 1998 Jeremy Paxman is using a clip from the show to ask “What will happen to the Bureau de Change when Europe has a single currency?”

It’s not like my collection is overflowing with Day Today clips and references, so it’s slightly gobsmacking that so soon after the programme itself came out of the box, I should be watching a tape from four years later that references it on a news show. I feel like my entire life is some pathetic grasp at meaning in a pitiless maelstrom of chaos. But with screenshots.

After a little while of Newsnight, that recording stops, and underneath there’s some ITV News at Ten. This is also leading on the Northern Irish Peace Process.

It feels like an epochal moment, as the talks are very close to coming to a positive conclusion.

In other news, Robin Cook married his secretary in a hurriedly rearranged ceremony. And the press are hounding George Michael after he was arrested in a toilet. Nice to see the important stories aren’t overlooked.

There’s also a story about an army officer being court martialed for having an affair with a junior officer. So obviously it’s a story about the ‘wider issue of women’s role in the military.’ How can the poor, confused menfolk be expected to concentrate on their soldiering with these strange, exotic creatures flitting around?

There’s a story about a light aircraft that messed up its landing and got tangled in power lines.

At the end of the news, there’s a look back at the history of the troubles in Northern Ireland, and I was half expecting them to play the footage along with 30 Banging Rock Tunes.

Good God, the intro to the ITV Weather looks like it cost more than the average episode of Game of Thrones. This is EPIC!

There’s an amazing advert for Northern Rock that sounds like one of those Time-Life compilation albums, and plays like a quirky indy movie starring Paul McGann (I think – I can’t keep all the McGanns straight).

In London Tonight, there’s a story about a recently paroled paedophile who might be moving to a police station in Cheshunt. The police statement reads like something out of the Brass Eye special.

There’s also a horrible story about an 84 year old pensioner who killed himself by throwing himself into the Thames because he’s made a mistake on his self assessment tax form. I can genuinely sympathise. Tax forms terrify me too.

After this, there’s a very dull looking sports version of Question Time called The Sports Show.

Then, ITN return with live coverage of the Stormont peace talks, coming up to the Midnight deadline, which surely everyone knew would be blown past, because nobody wanted to end up with the Maundy Thursday Agreement when the Good Friday Agreement is way cooler.

The tape runs out during this.

Adverts:

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• trail: Kavanagh QC

 

The Entertainment Biz – The South Bank Show – tape 2800

Jumping forward quite a bit now, to 1998, and a tape that opens with the end of Have I Got News For You featuring Greg Dyke

and Jack Docherty.

After this, there’s a bumper trailer for comedy and entertainment programmes, including Never Minds the Buzzcocks, How Do You Want Me, Goodness Gracious Me and If I Ruled the World.

Then, the first episode of The Entertainment Biz, Oscar Day/Oscar Night.

This is in the same vein as The Music Biz, and has plenty of celebrity interviews. Strap in, there are tons of pictures in this one. So many famous people. Here’s Quentin Tarantino

James Woods talks about hearing about being nominated.

The lovely Brenda Blethyn had to wait to hear about her nomination on camera.

Billy Bob Thornton

Cuba Gooding Jr

Samuel L Jackson

Marianne Jean-Baptiste talks about being offered yellow diamonds to wear on the night. “I haven’t even seen a yellow diamond.”

Geena Davis

Frances McDormand

Dustin Hoffman

Mike Leigh looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.

Lynn Redgrave

Faye Dunaway

Goldie Hawn

Diane Keaton

Tom Hanks

Mel Gibson

Whoopi Goldberg

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 15th February 1998 – 21:30

There’s a trailer for Trouble at the Top about Gerald Ratner.

Then a trailer for Late Night Fridays, featuring Is It Bill Bailey? the awkwardly billed Lee and Herring In This Morning With Richard Not Judy, Comedy Nation and Later with Jools Holland.

Then there’s the start of The Friday Night Armistice. I’m really hoping I recorded these on their initial broadcast, because otherwise this episode turning off after a minute or two is painful.

Recording switches to the end of an ITN news report, with a bunch of people sounding very unimpressed at the installation of the Angel of the North.

There’s a South Bank Show on Nigel Kennedy.

Very interesting, even if Bragg doesn’t push him on his fabricated ‘man of the people’ accent.

Then recording switches to BBC2. There’s a trailer for new comedy show If I Ruled The World.

There’s also a trailer for Our Mutual Friend.

Then, another episode of The Entertainment Biz called One Night Stand-Up. As you might have guessed, it’s looking at the world of Stand Up Comedy. Contributions this time from Greg Proops

Rich Hall

The programme specifically follows three comedians – Proops, US megastar Jackie Mason

and ‘Irish newcomer’ Ed Byrne.

Here’s Hattie Hayridge.

There’s some other famous names on that booking screen – Al Murray, Andrew Maxwell, Andre Vincent, Dave Spikey, Jim Tavare.

Here’s Donna McPhail

And Robin Williams talks about the time he followed Lenny Henry at a small comedy club, and totally died.

BBC Genome:BBC Two – 22nd February 1998 – 21:30

Recording switches to the end of If I Ruled The World featuring Tony Hawks

Graeme Garden

Jeremy Hardy

Maria McErlane

and host Clive Anderson

Richard Osman was creating TV formats even back then.

After this, there’s a trailer for the Dylan Moran comedy How Do You Want Me?

There’s also a trailer for a Michael Caine night.

Then, more from the Entertainment Biz with Celebrity. It shares with previous episodes many interview subjects, but here are some of the new faces.

Martin Sheen

Richard Dreyfuss

Bruce Willis

A Paparazzi agent sounds exactly as vile you’d expect her to sound. “You wouldn’t believe the shots we get with our long lenses.”

Johnny Depp

Winona Ryder, on being told about an open casting call the programme filmed, looking for Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder types for a new John Hughes film. “I didn’t know they were looking for a new me. Already.”

Matt Dillon is emphatic that there could only be one Matt Dillon. I’d offer that maybe that’s too many.

Nora Ephron

Anthony Minghella

Alan Parker

Catherine Deneuve

In a segment about young actors being compared to stars of old, Ed Norton

Natalie Portman

and Viggo Mortensen

Leonardo DiCaprio

Claire Danes

Drew Barrymore

Carrie Fisher

Will Smith

Greta Scacchi

Wesley Snipes

Pierce Brosnan

Richard E Grant

Matthew McConaughey

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 1st March 1998 – 21:30

After this, there’s a trailer for a season of four films, Obsessions.

Then, the tape plays out with the start of a Moviedrome presentation of Douglas Sirk’s All That Heaven Allows with an introduction from Mark Cousins.

The tape ends shortly into the film.

Adverts:

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Sleepwalkers – tape 1681

Over to the Movie channel, and Sleepwalkers. It’s a low budget movie, and it’s written by Stephen King. Could be good.

It’s directed by Mick Garris. Let’s set our expectations appropriately, shall we?

The film starts with a definition of what the film thinks a Sleepwalker is.

So it’s shape-shifting vampire cat people who murder virgin women. Gotcha.

‘Virginal human females’ sounds a bit like a phrase that might be written by a sweaty man living in a basement writing long manifestos about how unfair it is that women won’t sleep with him. Exactly the kind of person who’d be writing an encyclopaedia of arcane knowledge.

And if they’re part feline, why are they vulnerable to the ‘deadly scratch of the cat’? When has a cat’s scratch ever been deadly? I’m sure this will all make sense.

The action opens in Bodega Bay, California, which was also the setting of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.

“Sheriff, what do you think happened?” “I don’t know, but somebody sure doesn’t like cats.”

Edit: Thanks to Victor Field for pointing out that I totally missed Mark Hamill as the cop on the right. How could I have missed that?

In the house, they find the desiccated body of a young girl with a rose in her hair. And the couple who owned the house are missing.

Alice Krige plays one of the missing couple, Mary Brady.

Her partner, Charles, is a young blond man who calls her mother, but they don’t behave like mother and son. His hobbies are setting traps for cats and cutting his arm. He’s exactly the kind of bland, blond actor whom you forget about even while you’re watching him.

We also meet Madchen Amick as Tanya, who works in a cinema that doesn’t appear to be able to afford a vacuum cleaner, as she’s first seen cleaning the carpets with a Bissell sweeper and dancing around to a very old song (maybe the clearance rights were cheaper).

Charles interrupts her, to buy some popcorn. He’s in her English class, apparently, and new in town.

The English teacher is played by Glenn Shadix.

He’s suspicious of Charles, and confronts him with the information that he knows he didn’t transfer from a school in Ohio. Charles retaliates by cutting his hand off then chasing him through the woods and killing him. Pity he chose to confront him in the middle of nowhere rather than at school with lots of witnesses.

Later, he’s chased by a policeman, who happens to have a pet cat in his car, and when Charles sees the cat, his face goes all morphy.

But another of his magic powers is to make his car invisible, so he gets away. He can also make his car look like a different car. These are all reasonable powers for an ancient egyptian cat-person vampire demon.

His mother needs him to procure Tanya (a virgin) so they can feed, so he goes with her on a date to a graveyard. The graveyard is her choice, as she wants to photograph gravestones. Then he gets very rapey, so she bashes him with her camera, but now he’s seemingly unconscious, rather than get away and call for help, she immediately gets worried about him, allowing the film to get a cheap jump scare as he’s not really dead or unconscious.

It’s trying to be cool and ironic, with Charles quipping all the time, but this is dire stuff.

The policeman spots the car, which has, for no reason that we’re given, transformed back into its original form, and is just in time to fail to rescue Tanya. He gets a pencil in the ear for his trouble, then shot. Luckily, his cat is on hand to attack Charles.

We’re treated to a veritable smorgasbord of cameos in the next scene, as the police investigate the attack scene. I’ve spotted Stephen King (no surprise).

That’s Tobe Hooper on the right, director of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Salem’s Lot.

And here’s novelist and director Clive Barker.

Ron Perlman is a state trooper.

Another couple of pointless director cameos, with John Landis

And Joe Dante

Mother Brady comes after Tanya, easily defeating the deputy who’s supposed to protect her by stabbing him with a corn on the cob. I’m not lying.

The police in general are rubbish. Mrs Brady is dragging Tanya from the house by the hair, and Ron Perlman tells her to ‘put the girl down’. She bites off his fingers and breaks his arm. Then she’s able to make both police cars explode just by shooting them.

I feel rather sorry for Madchen Amick in this. She seems to spend all her time being smacked in the face, either by Charles or his mother. And Ron Perlman, before he got his fingers bitten off, said, of Amick, “The little girl needs a good smack on the butt. And if her Momma and Daddy won’t do it, I’ll happily volunteer.”

Mother and Son try to feed off of Tanya, but the Sheriff arrives to distract them, and Tanya gets in a good eye-poking, in between all the screaming she’s asked to do.

The Sheriff is about as useless at protecting her as the rest of the police we’ve seen. They get out of the house, but she grabs his, throwa him into the garden, where he gets his hand caught in one of the animal traps they’ve laid for the cats.

Talking of the cats, while Tanya spends vital minutes failing to start a car, all the neighbourhood cats that have congregated on the lawn finally attack Mrs Brady (now thoroughly in rubber monster form) and scratch her so much that she bursts into flame.

To be fair to this, there’s one good shot, as Tanya is about to reverse away, as the burning Mrs Brady jumps on the windscreen to berate her for killing her son. OK, so the optical effects might not be perfect, but it’s not bad. And it’s good we get to see Alice Krige one last time, rather than a stuntman in a rubber suit.

There’s a song playing as the credits roll, and I’m thinking that someone’s trying to do an Enya knock-off. Turns out it’s Enya herself. It has a pleasing John Carpenter vibe.

This is possibly the worst film I’ve seen in a very long time. I know I’ve snarked at Mick Garris before, but this is truly execrable. There’s some ludicrously bad performances, particularly from some of the policemen, and the dialogue in general is awful.

Alice Krige, on the other hand, is rather brilliant, giving the material far more effort than it warrants. Madchen Amick is charming enough, but given nothing but screaming to do. For such a good novelist, Stephen King is an amazingly bad screenwriter. It’s so puzzling.

After this, there’s a trailer for Sky’s Vampire Weekend featuring Trevor and Simon. It’s got a better screenplay than Sleepwalkers.

After a few adverts, recording stops, and underneath there’s part of a documentary about Chairman Mao. After ten minutes of this, the tape stops.

Adverts:

• BT
• Sun Diswasher
• Johnson’s pH 5.5
• Gillette Gel
• Hoover/Ariel
• Center Parcs
• Cadbury’s Dairy Milk – Katy Carmichael
• 
• Pringles

The Simpsons – Star Trek – Deep Space Nine – A Very Peculiar Practice – tape 2017

Well, it’1 2017, and here’s tape 2017. Not sure what that signifies.

I had some deja vu flipping through this tape, because some of it looked familiar, and I worried this was a tape I digitised twice, but it’s not.

First on the tape, The Simpsons and Who Shot Mr Burns. Here’s a Giant Mr Burns rampaging through Springfield.

Speaking of giants rampaging through the city, there are two adverts that have been playing at around this time. One for Impulse, the other for Fiat Punto, and they both rip off the same Rolling Stones video (which was directed by David Fincher) which had the band dancing around New York as giants. I know the advertising industry is notoriously barren of original ideas, but this must have been particularly embarrassing. I’d love to show you both of them, but the Fiat Punto ad is blocked by YouTube so here’s the Impulse one.

Luckily, Fiat have put an Italian version of theirs on YouTube.

Meanwhile, the recording continues with the start of Beverly Hills 90210, then switches to Deep Space Nine and the reason this tape looked familiar. It’s part one of a story called Past Tense, and when I looked at part two a while back, I watched this episode in preparation.

But it never hurts to have another picture of Dick Miller on the blog.

After this episode, recording continues briefly into an episode of Renegade, the one where everyone has long hair.

Then, recording switches to UK Gold and the end of an episode of the Trevor Eve bonkfest A Sense of Guilt. Here’s Jim Carter looking sad.

Then, another episode of A Very Peculiar Practice, series 2, episode 6: The Big Squeeze.

There’s a tiny appearance from a young Mark Addy (second from right).

The Vice Chancellor is rather keen to close the English department, so he’s looking for a way to oust the head of department George Bunn, played by James Grout.

After this, recording switches to another episode of Deep Space Nine. Kira’s fancy man Vedek Bareil is injured on a transport, and dies on the operating table. But due to some technobabble, Bashir is able to revive him.

He’s supposed to be negotiating a peace treaty, along with Kai Winn, played by Louise Fletcher.

As the negotiations go on, his body starts failing, and by the end of the show he’s dead, although he did get the negotiations settled.

After this, recording continues for a short while with the start of an episode of Renegade. Then the tape ends.

Adverts:

• Asda
• UK Gold
• McDonalds – Batman Forever
• trail: School’s Out for Summer
• trail: Law & Order
• Kodak Fun Camera
• Coca Cola
• Stork Rich Blend
• Viennetta
• First Knight in cinemas
• Cadbury’s Animals
• Smash Hits 2
• trail: Boxing
• trail: The Simpsons
• Chartbusters
• Anchor Spray Cream
• Original Sun Lolly
• Biactol
• Colgate
• Impulse – Giants
• Oasis
• trail: Deep Space Nine/Renegade
• Asda
• trail: Sky Sports
• trail: Fire
• Viennetta
• Asda
• Impulse – Giants
• Orangina
• trail: Voyage
• trail: Law & Order
• Budweiser
• Ariel
• Family Channel
• Gino Ginelli
• trail: Sky Sports
• trail: Quantum Leap
• Drinking and Driving
• Doritos
• UK Gold
• Fiat Punto – Giants
• trail: Tombstone
• trail: The Simpsons
• Doritos
• Army Soldier
• Family Channel
• Lenor
• Orangina
• trail: Movies in August
• trail: Van der Valk
• trail: Miami Vice
• trail: Match of the Day
• Fiat Coupe
• Daily Mail
• Orangina
• Bradford & Bingley
• Impulse – Giants
• Oil of Ulay
• Monster Munch
• The Singles Network
• Mars Miniatures
• Mum
• Johnson’s pH 5.5
• PAL
• Pantene
• Bran Flakes
• Somerfield
• Tetley
• Mars Miniatures
• Budweiser
• Wash & Go
• Volvo
• Slim-Fast – Steve Steen
• Boots
• Inland Revenue
• Bran Flakes
• Viennetta
• trail: Guilty as Sin
• BT
• Persil
• Hula Hoops
• Johnson’s Baby Lotion
• trail: The Trial of OJ Simpson
• trail: Tomorrow on Sky
• Coca Cola
• Stork Rich Blend
• Surf
• Zovirax
• Fiat Punto – Giants
• KFC
• trail: Copa America
• trail: The Simpsons
• Colgate
• Persil
• I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter
• Capri-Sun
• Daily Mirror
• Domestos
• trail: Another Stakeout
• trail: Fire
• Lenor
• Peperami
• Sure
• Natural Woman
• Persil
• trail: Boxing
• trail: Quantum Leap
• trail: Sky News
• Hula Hoops
• Ariel
• Fiat Punto
• Viennetta
• trail: Malice
• trail: Tomorrow on Sky
• Budweiser

The X Files – Michael Moore’s TV Nation – tape 2123

This tape opens with the end of a holiday programme, featuring Gordon Kennedy.

There’s a trailer for the Love Bites series of films.

Then, The X-Files. It’s the second episode of season 2. The X Files have been closed, and Mulder is getting all the shitty cases, literally, when he’s sent to investigate a dead body dumped into a sewer. He thinks it’s Skinner giving him punishment jobs, but as another worker is attacked by something in the sewer, he and Scully (currently working at Quantico) think it might be giant flukes.

The attacked worker has an unpleasant experience in the shower as he pukes up a large fluke.

Mulder soon finds something much larger trapped in the sewage systems.

The Fluke Man is played by series writer Darin Morgan.

I love this era computer screenshots. Look at the size of those pixels.

Someone mysterious keeps phoning Mulder up and telling him he has to solve the case, so the X Files can be reopened. This is Mr X, the replacement for Deep Throat.

The Fluke Man turns out to be a mutation caused by Chernobyl. Because that’s how this stuff works.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 4th September 1995 – 21:00

Before the next episode, another glimpse of the Travel show, and the trailer for Love Bites.

Then, an episode called Blood. William Sanderson (JF Sebastian from Blade Runner) is a postal worker who gets a paper cut, then gets laid off.

Pretty soon he’s getting messages from his zip code machine.

Pretty soon, other people are seeing messages from common electronic devices, like the display in a lift.

Sanderson is also getting messages from cashpoint machines.

The explanation is that crop spraying has given people delusions, like LSD, but that doesn’t explain how the messages are giving the victims information that they wouldn’t have. It’s a typical winking episode – we all know it was really something UNEXPLAINABLE!

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 11th September 1995 – 21:00

Recording continues, with a trailer for Degrees of Error. Then for The Nautilus and The Deep.

Then, an episode of Michael Moore’s TV Nation. It’s Love Night, and the programme sends a mariachi band and some cheerleaders to a KKK rally. There’s a small amount of hate spewing from one of the speakers, and it’s rather revolting. Needless to say, the visitors weren’t welcomed.

Michael meets a man who has been pulled over by the police over twenty times.

He send the TV Nation Gay Men’s Chorus to visit noted homophobe Jesse Helms.

36% of college graduates think that there are virtually no female serial killers because “women just aren’t aggressive enough”.

He meets Norm, of the Michigan Militia. He believes that there’s too much anti-terrorist legislation.

There’s an odd piece on depressed towns building aquariums.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 11th September 1995 – 21:45

After this, a trailer for Rick Stein’s Taste of the Sea.

Then, the recording continues with Newsnight, but it soon stops, and there’s another recording underneath.

It’s nothing interesting, though. Just 35 minutes of darts. I’m reminded of that scene in An American Werewolf in London, when David’s stuck at home with nothing to do, and he flips through the TV, all he gets is a testcard, an advert for the Sun (a fake one) and darts. The tape ends during this thrilling programme.

The Day Today – tape 1686

Ah, it’s The Day Today.

I remember vividly seeing the first trailer for this, and getting almost to the end before I realised it wasn’t actually a trailer for an actual news programme. I’m sure there were plenty who never realised.

It’s a TV offshoot from Radio 4’s On The Hour, and it’s not hyperbole to say that it literally changed the face of TV news presentation.

Its manic graphics were so ridiculous and over the top, and yet, in the intervening years since it went out, news presentation has become more and more like this programme. I’m convinced that it’s used as a training piece for aspiring motion graphics designers – can anyone confirm this?

Actually, I can confirm it myself – on the DVD for the programme, there’s an Open University programme about writing for News, in which the BBC is literally using The Day Today as part of their training for new journalists.

The production is meticulous. The recurring pieces from ‘CBN’s Barbara Wintergreen’ have that trademark NTSC smeary colour that was a trademark of US news broadcasts. It wasn’t a joke that NTSC stood for Never Twice Same Colour.

There’s an interesting edit in the DVD of this first Wintergreen sketch – towards the end, when Chapman Baxter is about to be executed, a US Marine (played by Ricco Ross) is singing ‘Are You Lonesome Tonight’ on the original BBC broadcast, but on the DVD, presumably for rights clearance reasons, he’s singing some mashup lyrics – “Are you lonesome tonight? Love me tender, Hound Dog. Blue Suede Shoes…” and the tune has become the tune for The Star Spangled Banner. I think that’s actually a funnier joke myself.

I like the non sequitur in the credits each week. This Week: Bootsie Collins

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 19th January 1994 – 21:00

Before the next episode, there’s the end of Building Sights. Also trailers for the Winter Olympics and Middlemarch.

More Day Today, with a rare appearance on the show from producer Armando Iannucci

This episode features one of my favourite phrases. “Proof if proof be need be…”

Plus Peter O’Hanarha-hanrahan and the German Finance Minister.

Hey, it’s Harfynn Teuport.

And Sukie Bapswent.

The RokTV segment is brilliant, notably because all the characters are played by Chris Morris. Here he is as Kurt Cobain doing the Panty Smiles song. “And the top sheet/Has a dry weave”.

And as controversial rapper Fur Q.

There’s a shot here of Radio One DJ Mark Goodier. the origin of which I found some time ago on another tape. It’s from an episode of Tomorrow’s World.

It’s interesting to note that, whilst it gets the tiniest details of TV presentation absolutely right, even The Day Today can’t do newspaper front pages that look convincing.

This week’s credit: Horses by Will Self

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 26th January 1994 – 21:00

Another bit of Building Sights before the next episode, a trailer for Middlemarch, and a bumper trailer for Friday Night programmes, including Blackadder, Red Dwarf, Fantasy Football League and The Ferguson Theory.

The next episode has the first appearance of the Bureau.

This episode also has the crisis where John Major punched the Queen, and this classic emergency broadcast.

When Princess Diana died, on the day of the funeral, I had the in-laws around to watch it with us, and I had to put this on part way through just to leaven the mood.

“In 1978 no one died.”

Credit: Thrift Funnel: George Clinton (someone likes their funk)

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 2nd February 1994 – 21:00

Before the next episode, there’s quite a long chunk of Building Sights.

There’s a trailer for The BBC Design Awards. And another Middlemarch trailer.

Then, episode 4 of The Day Today. Peter Baynham makes an appearance.

Ted Maul makes an on-screen appearance.

“Peter! You’ve lost the news!”

Alan Partridge explains the world cup groups system.

In this week’s CBN report there’s Minnie Driver.

A young Graham Linehan, one of the writing team on the show, in a Get Stuffed inspired piece on how to bury your grandad. Sorted.

Credit: Danny Baker: Hazel O’Connor

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 9th February 1994 – 21:00

In the next episode, the pound was stolen.

Paul Boateng doesn’t have an opinion on Herman the Tosser. I once voted for Paul Boateng when he was the Labour candidate in my home town. He didn’t win, though.

Travis Daveley became something of an icon to us at work. “I want a tower” became something of a catchphrase.

The Bureau goes on the road.

Kim Wilde doesn’t think the homeless should be clamped. The virtue signaller.

John Thompson is sick of the Treasury.

And yes! It’s War!

The location shooting for the war segment looks really good. They had a ball with their pyrotechnics.

What I find astounding is that all this footage was produced for the unaired pilot. It’s amazing.

Credit: Carpets: Bono

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 16th February 1994 – 21:00

The next episode, we’re told, was running 15 minutes late because of ‘sequin-clad ladies’. Ice Skating, I presume.

“Fact Me til I fart” was, allegedly, a slight variation of words uttered by an extremely famous BBC newsreader having sex in a toilet.

Doon Mackichan demonstrates the Republican Party’s healthcare plan.

Morris and Alan Partridge get friendly.

Credit: Maps: Faye Dunaway

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 23rd February 1994 – 21:00

The programme really does stand up rock solid today. If anything, it seems less of a parody now, as TV news has grown more and more ridiculous.

There’s a trailer for Friday Night Comedy after this (seen on a recent tape). Then this recording ends.

Underneath, there’s a Party Political Broadcast by the Labour Party. It’s a rare one from when John Smith was the leader.

Then, the start of Newsnight, with the war in Bosnia the lead story. There’s also a story about American radiation experiments on its citizens. This edition is from 9th February 1994. The tape runs out during this episode.

Chicago Hope – tape 2019

This tape opens with the end of the weather, and a trailer for Inside Story.

Then Chicago Hope. Jeremy Piven returns as a patient suing the hospital in a malpractice suit.

His lawyer is former patient Fyvush Finkel.

BBC Genome: BBC One – 1st July 1995 – 21:05

There’s another bit of weather before the next episode, and a trailer for Sunday’s programmes.

There’s also a trailer for Casualty.

Then, more Chicago Hope, and an episode called Cutting Edges.

Mandy Patinkin’s wife, currently in a mental hospital, tells him she wants to marry a fellow patient. So he decides he wants to give her a lobotomy.

Vondie Curtis Hall (Die Hard 2) plays a doctor who brings a young girl in for referral when he diagnoses breast cancer.

BBC Genome: BBC One – 8th July 1995 – 21:30

After this, recording continues, and there’s a trailer for Castles.

There’s a trailer for Panorama.

Then, an extra treat not marked on my database. It’s Tremors.

It’s a film that came out of nowhere, on paper looks like a low-budget monster movie that might have been playing second on the bill in a former age, but it turned out to be rather excellent.

I think there’s a couple of reasons why it’s become so beloved and they’re quite simple.

First, the cast is really good. Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward make the perfect pair, arguing all the time, but with a clear affection for each other.

But they’re surrounded by some great character actors, like Victor Wong as the owner of the local store.

Bibi Besch has a cameo as the doctor’s wife, swallowed by a worm early on.

Michael Gross, the father from Family Ties, is cast against type as a survivalist. When he and his wife manage to kill one of the worms with their considerable arsenal, Ward says “I guess we don’t get to make fun of Bert’s lifestyle any more.”

Good actors are only half the story, though. The script, written by director Ron Underwood and SS Wilson & Brent Maddock, is witty and clever. Ward and Bacon have a good line in bickering and philosophy. “We plan ahead, that way we don’t do anything right now. Earl explained it to me.”

Plus, the opening of the film is constantly setting up the clues for the threat – almost every scene has someone disturbing the ground in some way, all precursors to the way the killer worms detect people, like the little girl on her pogo stick. Who’s played by Ariana Richards, pre-Jurassic Park.

I think I should also mention that some credit probably goes to executive producer Gale Anne Hurd, who has produced some of the greatest genre films of all time.

Watching it again, I’m struck by the fact that this is a fairly traditional monster movie, but I don’t think there’s any mean-spiritedness in it at all. With a movie like this, we’re used to having it populated with a range of characters, with a fair number being fairly unpleasant. Think about, for example, The Mist, which shares quite a few structural similarities with this film. It creates much of its tension from conflict within the group, and that’s typical of a movie of this kind.

But with this movie, everyone is on the same team. They’re all pulling together, helping each other, and a fair number of them make it to the end. It’s a hugely positive movie, and I think that’s another reason why it’s so popular and well liked. We like watching nice people struggling together against outside forces beyond their control. It’s almost uplifting.

BBC Genome: BBC One – 8th July 1995 – 22:15

After this, there’s a trailer for Sunday night programmes, and one for Nicky Campbell on the radio.

Then, the tape runs out during Howard the Duck. Now there’s a Marvel property that’s overdue a reboot.

The Lenny Henry Show – tape 1707

Here’s some classic comedy from UK Gold.

There’s an appearance from Burt Kwouk as a cinema manager.

Given that they’d gone to the trouble of hiring Kwouk, I’m not sure why they felt they had to use yellowface for a Samurai sketch.

Lenny does Barry Norman

Robbie Coltrane guests in The Day They Cut Our Budget

Also Ed Bishop

and Helen Atkinson Wood.

This is the only episode on this tape – a rare short one today.

Adverts:

• Audi
• Philadelphia Soundtrack
• Flymo
• Telemillion
• Whiskas Kitten
• TSB
• Glo White
• Galaxy
• Bird’s Eye Potato Edgers
• Clunk Click
• Max Factor
• Pantene
• Nicotinell
• Haze
• Somerfield/Gateway
• trail: The Oscars

Between The Lines – tape 1688

This tape opens with the end of some Winter Olympics coverage, with Steve Ryder and Sue Barker, inevitably featuring a glimpse of Torvill and Dean.

There’s a trailer for Friday Comedy, including Fantasy Football League and The Ferguson Theory.

Then, episode 6 of the first series of Between The Lines, Lest Ye Be Judged.

I’ve always thought the title sequence was a bit odd. There’s Neil Pearson’s face, looking intently into camera, or turning slowly into profile, and behind that, either library shots of riots and general violence, or shots of Pearson getting his end away. There’s literally no other cast interaction except ‘Tony gets some’. I’ve always thought that’s a bit odd, and an interesting emphasis. Maybe it’s marketing, and they thought shots of Tom Georgeson drinking a pint wouldn’t draw in the viewers. It does fit with the trend of the time for drama to be very leery.

This episode opens with Michael Angelis (Kendrick) recording an interview with a man accused of holding up a post office.

The accused man is Eddie Tudor Pole.

This case was in 1990, and Tony Clark and his team are now investigating it as a possible miscarriage of justice.

Jaye Griffiths turns up as a reporter.

I’m fairly sure that’s Brian Hayes, longtime LBC presenter, as a TV interviewer.

Here’s John Shrapnel as a Deputy Chief Constable.

Unsurprisingly, Tony ends up sleeping with Jaye Griffiths’ reporters, digging for information since she has an informer on the inside.

It’s a good episode, where Angelis’ policeman is probably not guilty of anything, and Tudor Pole is guilty as sin, but he gets off and Angelis is suspended.

And Clark does spend an inordinate amount of time bonking, so maybe the titles were appropriate.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 19th February 1994 – 22:05

Next it’s Breaking Point. There’s a demonstration outside a chemical plant which turns violent. There’s some good fire stunts here.

As a result of the firebomb, another policeman grabs the first protester he sees and beats him with his baton, leading to an investigation by Clark’s group.

An almost convincing Guardian front page, marred only by the phrase ‘100 are hurt’ instead of the more likely ‘100 hurt’.

Tony gets to visit Television Centre.

The father of the beaten boy didn’t see much but ‘definitely saw a black policemen’ and says he’s sure he was the one who beat his son. We know that’s not the case, having seen the initial scenes, as the black policeman went to stop the white policeman beating him, but he’s who the witnesses saw.

By the end of the episode, Clark’s wife has left him, since he’s still messing around with Jaye Griffiths. I have to say, I find this part of the drama of almost no interest whatsoever.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 26th February 1994 – 22:05

The next episode is The Only Good Copper.

A policeman is pursuing a suspect into a car park, and looks all set to deliver a bashing, but the next thing we see is a car entering, almost hitting the policeman, who’s seriously injured, with the suspect running off.

Jerome Flynn appears as Tony’s ex-girlfriend’s new admirer.

Tony Haygarth is someone pursuing a complaint against the police.

Good God, now his wife’s kicked him out, and his old girlfriend cries when they have sex, he’s now making a pass at Mo (Siobhan Redmond). If this goes on he’ll be groping Tom Georgeson soon.

The sergeant at the station they’re investigating is played by Trevor Peacock off of Vicar of Dibley

A witness to the original chase was a member of a saxaphone group who were playing in the shopping arcade. Check out that classic 70s WH Smith shop sign.

Jonny Lee Miller is the young man who murdered the copper at the start of the show.

The big mystery about the murder is why backup failed to arrive at the scene, and the station seems to be hiding something.

The truth comes out – that the dead copper was well known as a hard man who would start trouble rather than calm it down, so the other officers dragged their feet responding to his requests for backup.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 5th March 1994 – 22:10

Finally here, Watching the Detectives. Jerome Flynn, currently making the moves on Tony’s ex girlfriend, is part of some kind of cover-up, and so is she. A policeman is almost framed for accepting a bribe, and the suggestion is that Kenneth Cranham is working for a local criminal.

Unfortunately, this ends unresolved, as it’s obviously the first of a two parter.

BBC Genome: BBC Two – 12th March 1994 – 22:15

After this, recording continues with a trailer for All Things Bright and Beautiful.

Then, the recording runs to an end during a French documentary, Crimes et Passions.