Today’s first programme is a partial recording of Charlie and Lola – What If I Get Lost in the Middle of Nowhere. It’s missing the beginning.
Lola has lost her toy fox, and can’t find it.
This leads to her getting very stressed out about a forthcoming school trip, and worrying that she might get lost. Charlie and Marv try to reassure her and Lotta that there are things they can do not to get lost. Like wearing bright clothes.
They can carry whistles so people can hear where they are.
Or do what Hansel and Gretel did, and drop pebbles along the way.
Their school trip turns out to be a garden maze. This made me laugh a lot.
Lola and Lotta remember to drop their pebbles, but they soon run out.
But after some wrong turns, they all make it to the centre.
Charlie and Marv want to race to see who can get out first. Lotta and Lola find their pebbles.
By the time Charlie and Marv find their way out, Lola and Lotta have already got their ice creams and are waiting for them.
Media Centre Description: Children’s animation. Join Lola and Charlie, a brother and sister, as they deal with topics that affect their everyday lives. A surprise school trip is planned. As Charlie, Marv and Lotta speculate about where it might be to, Lola starts to worry that she might get lost. Bright clothes, whistles and pebbles all come into play in an attempt to avoid getting lost. Finally, however, the school trip takes them to a place where you are meant to get lost – a maze!
BBC Genome: BBC TWO Wednesday 25 October 2006 07:00
Next today, two copies of the same recording, but one of them is edited, so let’s look at the unedited one.
It opens with the end of a documentary about ravens.
There’s trails for Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the Electric Proms and The State Within.
Then, a double bill of the first two episodes of Torchwood. We’ve already looked at Everything Changes, so let’s take a look at Day One. It starts with Gwen and Rhys out for the evening, bowling, taking in a movie, and a meal, which is interrupted by a meteor streaking through the air, and text telling Gwen to come to work.
The back seats of the black SUV they drive have screens and keyboards that pop down while they’re driving.
They reach the meteor, wave away the army, and start investigating. Owen is annoying sexist to Gwen, so she throws a chisel at him (to be fair, that was what he asked for) but it hits the meteor and releases a cloud of alien gas which flows around a bit then escapes. They should have brought a Henry Hoover.
The gas finds its way to the back alley of a nightclub where a girl is leaving an angry voicemail for her boyfriend, and it possesses her.
She goes into the nightclub, finds a young man, drags him into the toilet and starts having sex with him, until he orgasms and turns into energy which she absorbs. Yes, it’s an Alien Sex Gas.
Back at the Torchwood Hub, the team are recriminating after Gwen’s chisel mishap. My conclusion would be it would have been better if it had hit Owen. But Ianto tells them that there’s been a strange murder report at the nightclub, so they go to investigate. PC Andy is on the door, and there’s an awkward exchange as Gwen goes in. She says “You can get away now. No point you freezing your arse off out here.” Andy pouts “Boss of me now, are you?” “Say hi to everyone for me.”
Given that the man’s death left just a small pile of dust, the team are curious how the nightclub know there was a murder. And I really wish we hadn’t found out, as we see a flashback to a security guard wanking while watching the woman and man bonking. I know I’m an old man now, but this really is the televisual equivalent of those books by middle-aged male authors that get Bad Sex awards. The recipient in this case being writer Chris Chibnall. It’s almost redeemed by the cut from the flashback to the team in the toilets, surrounding the man, and he says, of watching the man vanish into a puff of sex gas, “Bit of a shock, I tell you.”
The team look at the CCTV, run her blurry picture against their database of every face in the UK (which Gwen points out breaks all sorts of privacy laws) and track down her address. They catch her just in time, as she’s just started shagging her postman. She tries to run away, but Owen traps her in an alien portable cell, which Jack reminds him he shouldn’t use outside the Hub.
Jack asks Gwen to talk to the woman to see if they can learn something about the Alien Sex Gas. It’s not long before they’re snogging. And what do Owen and Toshiko do when they see it on the CCTV? They just watch, and Owen starts recording. This is a very dysfunctional workplace, and they should all receive some mandatory training.
To calm things down, Jack orders some Chinese food. When Jack goes to the toilet, the others start asking Gwen what she knows about Jack. “You’ve been here longer than I have.” “We were banking on you! You’re a copper, trained to ask questions.”
Gwen gets upset when she hears the girl, Carys, crying in the cell. She thinks Jack isn’t doing enough. “Spending so much time with the alien stuff, you’ve lost what it means to be human.” He replies “So remind us. Tell me what it means to be human in the 21st century.” She prints out a stack of information about the girl. This feels like the programme is suddenly trying to be rounded, and grown-up in between all the wanking gags. I’d be genuinely curious to know if this script was heavily edited, and if that’s the case, which bits were who.
The air in the cell is showing signs of potent sex pheromones, which at least explains why Gwen was snogging her at the drop of a hat. “God, no! We can’t let any man near… Owen!” But when they get to the cell, it’s a bit late. I admit, this bit was funny.
Carys can’t find a way out of the Hub, and Jack is chasing her. But she manages to get away by grabbing the hand in a jar that we saw in the first episode. Jack is extremely worried about it getting damaged, and as a result Carys is able to distract him enough to get away. We hear a familiar musical motif as Jack is picking up the hand from the floor where she threw it – it’s the Doctor’s Theme.
Owen has been doing some research, and has determined the effect of the gas in rats. It’s not pleasant, and he thinks the same thing will happen to Carys soon.
There’s a really leery montage as Carys is walking through town, lots of people snogging and naked bodies in adverts. This is pornier than the average Game of Thrones episode. She finds her ex-boyfriend, and when he’s nasty to her, she has a very effective revenge shag. The Torchwood team turn up too late, only to find her gone, and him a pile of dust. Time is running out. They find her employment profile, and find she was working at a fertility clinic. It’s the perfect place for the Alien Sex Gas Orgasm Eater – a building full of wankers.
They’re too late to save all the men, but Carys is still there. How can they save her from the Alien Sex Gas? Jack offers something of his own. “I’ve got a surplus of alive. I’m giving it away.”
Gwen tells the alien to take her as a host. It finally leaves Carys, but before it can possess Gwen, Jack drops the portable Cell, and captures it.
Carys is reunited with her dad.
After a very strong first episode, I think this was a big drop in quality.
Media Centre Description: Episodes 1 and 2 of this new science-fiction and crime drama series. A brutal murder leads WPC Gwen Cooper to Torchwood, a journey that will change her life forever. Plus, Torchwood must stop a sex addicted alien as it leaves a trail of gruesome deaths in its wake.
BBC Genome: BBC TWO Wednesday 25 October 2006 21:00
Genome has listings for each episode. Here’s Day One (confusingly the second episode): BBC Two England – Wednesday 25th October 2006 21:50
After this, there’s a trail for The 7th Dimension on BBC Radio 7.
There’s trails for The Catherine Tate Show and Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Then, the start of Newsnight with Jeremy Paxman.
VHiStory 